Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
