Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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