dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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