I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
