I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
