just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize