i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
