i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
