Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
