i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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