there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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