I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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