This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
