Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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