god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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