thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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