I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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