I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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