yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
