I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize