I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I checked into jail on foursquare
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
