Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
