I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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