You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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