You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just saw a hot homeless man
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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