we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
