if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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