life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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