I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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