dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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