it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I can't put those talents on a resume
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
