I'll bet she douches with gravy.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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