His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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