You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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