I wanna bring you to show and tell
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
