Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
