Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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