Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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