There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
