there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
