They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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