Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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