I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
