am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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