I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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