Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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