she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
