Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
