Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
