Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
