sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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