Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
