Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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