went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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