she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
