Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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