Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
