I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
